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To my beloved family..

I’ve been holding this for a very very long time, and i’m not exaggerating when i say that it was killing me. I will be taking this space to pour my heart out. This was not re-read or edited, it was just written, so i apologize for any grammatical, or spelling mistakes you may encounter:

To my beloved ones,

I’ve always believed family were more than a common last name.
I thought they were one heart that kept beating to nourish more than one person.
I thought they were the soul that kept us alive for so long.
I thought they were the faith the kept us going in our lives.
I thought that, no matter what happened, they were there for each other.
I believed what we had, was something deeper than shallow gatherings, and to-be-broken promises.
I was never scared of being committed to them because i had faith..
and i thought that we will stick together through the good and the bad. Through the sadness and the joy. Through the heartbreaks and the healing.
But i also thought nothing would ever prove me wrong..
And unfortunately, a lot of things did.

I believed that no matter what happened i had a shoulder to cry on.

How stupid of me..
Because as soon as one tear dropped through this cheek
And as soon as i tilted my head, searching for that shoulder..
It wasn’t there..
I believed..
so i waited..
And waited..
And there were no signs of arrival.

then,
And only then..
Did i feel abandoned and lonely.
Then,
And only then..
Did I realize that all my beliefs were based on fake smiles hiding nothing but self-indulgence behind them.
Then,
And only then,
Did i feel grateful for time for revealing what was truly suppressing in their thoughts.
Then,
And only then,
Did i feel hurt..
With the hands of the people who were supposed to heal me.
Then,
And only then,
Did i die a thousand times when i saw my father “acting” strong, when he was, for the first time, not actually being it.
Then,
And only then,
Did my mother’s tears not only rip my heart, leaving me nothing but confused and hurt, but also made me lose faith and turned this colorful world i live in into nothing but a boring black & white remedy.
Then,
And only then,
Did i have to see my brothers smile when tears were invading their eyes.

I know i can’t hold them responsibility for being who they are.
The egoistic, greedy, and parsimonious individuals.
But i know i can hold them responsibility for what they did to me, and to my parents.
I can hold them responsibility for the heart breaks, the rage and the anger surpassing me right now.
I can hold them responsibility for making me lose my faith in “forever happy” families.

It’s not hate that is ripping my heart into pieces right now, it’s something else. A feeling more powerful than hatred its-self. It’s something that is making me look forward to watch them taste what they once gave us a spoonful of.

Here’s the deal, dear family..

You left us when we needed you the most.
You abandoned us when we needed a heart, more than a home,
You ripped us out of your weak skeleton, when we needed the support of a backbone.

And that didn’t kill
Its just stung..
Probably still..
And Perhaps forever will.

But thank you for the valuable lessons. Thank you for giving me a million different reasons to trust my enemies more than my own ones. Thank you for being yourselves.

Thank you for being the reason i made commitment to my own self that when i grow up i will be to, my brothers and sisters, what you were never to my mother.

Apologize for as long as you may,
Just keep in mind that i I will not, nor never will forgive you for breaking my mother’s heart, and being the reason behind her tears.

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One thought on “To my beloved family..

  1. Wow.
    It has been so long since i read something this powerful.
    Left me speechless.

    It didn’t kill, it stung.

    Great…
    I have nothing more to say.

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